I Am A Little Strange, But Very Clean

By Maria Lockwood

Every night I pray for three things; happiness, health and safety.  They are pretty basic aspects, but I think they are underrated and very important.  With this whole COVID-19 going on, everyone is keen on health.  I always have been.  Hop on board, America.  It makes me cringe when I hear people say, “Wash your hands!”  Were you all not doing that before?

I am a bit of a hypochondriac.  I am a weirdo, honestly.  There was a show called Monk I used to like.  I think I more than just liked it; it might actually be one of my favorite shows.  It aired years ago.  It is about a man who is very peculiar and has OCD.  He is smart, meticulous, and used his abilities to help solve crimes.  His character is a lot cooler than I am.  The closest investigation I have been involved in is when my friends ask me to find information on their boyfriend.  Then, I became a whole FBI agent.  This is true, I can find out everything you need about your misbehaving boyfriend.  I just need my phone and five minutes.  It makes me question my career path.  Anyways, me and this guy Monk have some similarities from our oh so smart detective skills, to our obsessive cleanliness fetish.

I expect a thank you.  This may be a hyperbole, but I myself have kept the Wet-Wipe Company in business.  Everyone is hoarding hand sanitizers now.  I mean I always have a drawer filled with cleaning supplies.  In my backpack, I carry packs of Wet Ones to wipe my hands with before I eat or after I touched a door that hundreds of others have.  Sometimes I see someone from the corner of my eye watching me, judging.  I mean, I don’t think everyone is dirty, but I also know for certain that not everyone is clean.

My first kiss was funny.  I do not mean the “haha” type of funny.  Sometimes I use the adjective funny as in interesting.  The grand event took place on my front porch after my date walked me to my front door.  It was bound to happen.  I’ve seen the movies.  I knew I couldn’t get away with hugging people for the rest of my life.  So, it happened.  My first kiss.  It was awful.  Are first kisses usually that awful?  Mine was.  Saliva.  Another’s tongue in your mouth.  Bonjour!  Yeah, I guess I was French and not Italian for the night.  I am cringing writing this, but it’s a story and hey, you are still reading right?  After I shut my front door, I washed my mouth with water, then mouthwash, then I brushed my teeth, then mouthwash again.  I felt so dirty after that.

I have fought people over my little health obsession.  Once at lunch my friend put her hand in my bag of chips.  Phew!  You know that was the wrong move.  That is practically walking into a lion’s den around dinner time.  I flipped.  I yelled.  I know I have a soft voice, but it can get loud.  Just ask my brother.  I threw the bag of chips at her and said, “Eat them.  They are yours now.”  

Every person gets sick.  We are not Superman.  Even if we were, Clark Kent has his kryptonite.  I personally get mad when I get sick.  What did I do wrong?  I wash my hands.  I am careful.  Whose fault is it?  

On a serious note, I am not being sarcastic this time, I got very sick before.  No matter how careful I am, it happened.  My senior year of high school I missed more days than I could count.  I was so weak that I could hardly walk or even speak.  You know something is wrong if my mouth isn’t running a mile per minute.  When I went to the doctor the first time, they took my blood and ran several tests.  The results showed there was something wrong.  I cried my eyes out in the doctor’s office.  They ordered me to go to the hospital pronto and they took more blood and ran more tests.  My eyes were in a down pour.  It is scary knowing something is wrong with you.  People walking around the hospital naked and others being rushed in with blood spouting was scary too.

It lasted several months.  I took seven pills a day.  It bothered me that friends took pills for fun, for the high.  Pills are not fun.  I lost ten pounds, and I only weighed 98 to start with.  My bones looked pretty hot.  Not.  My olive skin tone was white.  It was not me.  It was sickness taking me over.  Sickness sucks.  No one deserves it.  I wouldn’t wish it on my enemies. 

I don’t know what happened to me those months.  Sometimes these freak things occur.  I do not curse, but someone wise once told me, “Shit happens.”  Shit happened to me.  I got through it.  Shit is happening to the world right now, but we will get through it.  I hope.

Dear God, I pray that we stay happy, healthy, and safe.

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