Sandwich of Death

Diana Yuille


Okay, so every knows Spongebob Squarepants right? If you don’t you’re living under a rock, and not the same rock as Patrick Star because he would never be caught dead with anyone who doesn’t know Spongebob. Spongebob Squarepants was and still is a television classic. Except for the fact that all the characters idolize, IDOLIZE, the Krabby Patty. A Krabby Patty, a bottom bun, lettuce, one perfectly cooked patty, a slice of cheese, one tomato, two pickles, two squirts of ketchup and mustard in a smiley face, topped with a seeded bun. You’re telling me that hamburgers are the most talked about food in Bikini Bottom. That hamburgers are the only food these sea creatures are willing to eat. That the biggest feud in TV history was over a damn hamburger formula. You’re kidding me.


I don’t understand why people enjoy eating hamburgers. Hamburgers are compressed cow intestines with dripping grease that is sandwiched in between bread. It is ground up meat that you people are told came from a cow. How can you be sure that you are actually eating cow? Burgers are like that disgusting mystery meat they serve in public school cafeterias. The meat that has a mind of its own. The meat that starts crawling away as soon as the lunch lady slops it down on your plate. The meat that looks like it has been sitting outside on the sidewalk for two months in the summer heat. Yeah that meat is the same flesh of an animal you people lovely call hamburgers. People avoid eating mystery meat because they see how disgusting it is. But pack it all together with some cheese, tomato, lettuce, ketchup, mustard, contained in between to buns, and you have disgusted mystery meat, otherwise known as burgers.


Carbs are great, don’t get me wrong, but hamburger buns aren’t even good carbohydrates. If I wanted to waste my daily calories on bread, it needs to be worth it. A Brioche, Sourdough, or Ciabatta bun would taste sooooo much better than the processed sugar “bread” they use for hamburgers. Bread is an art. Baking the perfect loaf of bread requires patience, skill, and a special hand in kneading the dough. Bread should be served fresh out the oven with the smell engulfing the bakery. Not fresh out of a plastic bag. A bag that was probably left open, making buns slightly stale. I mean come on it’s not that hard to take the air out and close up the bag. Ugh. But even if you change the bun, that still doesn’t take away from the sponge patty you people call burgers. Burgers are like brains, and who wants to eat brains? News flash we are not zombies.


I was born into a vegetarian diet, making the look and smell of hamburgers absolutely repulsive. Oh and those vegetarian burgers, also disgusting. Companies try to make the vegetarian hamburgers resemble beef patties. I understand their purpose is to try and get meat eaters to go vegetarian. But for people like me, it’s a huge turnoff. The texture of biting into a burger is like a pre-chewed, rubber, burnt hockey puck. I started disliking vegetarian burgers in the fourth grade. My class went on a hiking/camping field trip. The teachers decided to have a barbecue were they grilled burgers and hotdogs. You know the grills they have at campsites, the ones that look like a box on a pole covered in who knows how many bugs, ew gross. Anyway, the teachers bought vegetarian burgers to make non meat eaters feel included. I was probably the only person that didn’t eat meat there. Since the teachers went out of their way to take my diet into consideration, I felt obligated to eat the sandwich. The least I could do was pretend to devour that lovely burger. To this day, I can still taste the burger. It was rock hard, burnt, and probably had ants from the grill cooked into the patty. Bon appétit!


It’s humorous to me that you guys order tomatoes, lettuce, and onions on burgers to try and get your daily serving of vegetables. But who are you fooling? Once that hamburger comes out, the vegetables get thrown to the side of the plate, faster than your meal came. Oh and I know hamburgers are quick to cook, if you can you even call it cooking, because I have been to McDonalds. I can see the kitchen from the register. I can see those already reheated freezer patties that have been laying out all day. But back to the vegetables. Does it make you feel better about yourself when you have one piece of lettuce and a tomato slice on top of that beautifully browned to a crisp patty? Even though you are chewing your way to death, do you feel better about yourself because you have some leafy greens? Oh and just because you add ketchup to your sandwich, it still does not count as eating a tomato. Come on ketchup is not even made from real tomatoes. People do yourself, and me a favor, by not even asking for the toppings. We know damn well that you only want the bun and patty. Save the veggies for the salad loving herbivores in the world. We would greatly appreciate it.


Everyone knows that hamburgers are bad for your health, yet people still eat them. I don’t know why, but they do. Do people not realize that they are chewing their way to dead with every bite you rip from that thick, juicy burger. Hamburgers are made up of an insane amount salt. There is probably less salt dumping the entire salt shaker on your meal, than there is taking one bite of a burger. Speaking of health, is your mental health worth eating some cute. We don’t eat house pets because they are adorable, but cows are fine? Come on, cows are just as cute as dogs people. We wouldn’t eat a dog, so why would we eat a cow? Oh speaking of dogs, hotdogs are also another gross food. Please do not get me started on those plastic tubes of who knows what.


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