How to Confront a Cheater…8 Simple Steps | Amber D’Abundo

Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash
  • Necessary Tools for Success: 
  • Undeniable proof of the betrayal (a phone full of text messages to the other woman). 
  • A knowledge of your own self-worth. (We don’t put up with this in 2023)! 
  • A silent but unremorseful lover to confront. 
  • A strong voice and determination to be heard. 
  1. Step One: Confront 
  1. Approach him as he sits on the bed that you shared just last night. Don’t hide your crying eyes. Let them be red with no fear, show him the hurt he has caused. Remain silent and give him the chance to notice your presence. Give him an opportunity to speak first, don’t fly off the handle just yet. When/If he says nothing, state the following, exactly: 
  1. “So, are you going to tell me how long it’s been going on? There’s no point in denying it, I knew in my gut from the beginning, but my heart didn’t want to believe it. But last night I finally got the proof I needed; I’m not proud of it but I went through your phone and saw the messages.  
  1. Step Two: Give him a Chance to Respond 
  1. Watch as he glances toward you but says nothing. His eyes seem to gloss over and it’s hard to tell if it’s because he cares too much or not at all. Watch as he stands and begins packing boxes. Remain calm and resist the urge to scream in frustration, “Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?! Any sort of defense or even an excuse?” On second thought, say it anyway. Provoke him to respond. Watch as he remains silent. His silence is preferred, you can get everything off your chest easier this way.  
  1. Step Three: Pretend an Apology Doesn’t Matter 
  1. Take a deep breath, steel yourself and repeat the following: 
  1. “I don’t want an apology because that won’t fix it, what you’ve done is unforgivable and unforgettable. All I want to know is why. Why did you do it? Why did you decide to throw away everything that we had and everything that we were trying to build?” 
  1. Step Four: Show Him the Anger 
  1. Watch as he continues packing boxes with a dismissive shrug. Raise your voice and state the following: 
  1. “Really? That’s all I get? After *Insert length of relationship here* together you can’t even look at me? You can’t even speak to me? You’re just going to pack your stuff and act like I’m not even here?” 
  1. After showing him your frustration, brush it off with a laugh and shake of the head, tell him the truth by repeating the following: 
  1. “You know, I really wanna hate you. I want to be angry because that’s what everyone tells you that’s how you’re supposed to feel in these situations, I’m officially a woman scorned…but for some reason I can’t. I can’t bring myself to be mad at you, I don’t feel any anger or hate even though I desperately want to.” 
  1. Step Five: Allow Him to See the Hurt 
  1. By this point, fresh tears should be welling in your eyes. Don’t hide them. Don’t wipe them away. Let them flow freely down your face and state the following: 
  1. “All I feel is sad, heartbroken, and stupid. Maybe the anger will come later after we each go our separate ways, I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong, I am pissed that you did this, and I can’t fathom why I don’t hate you. As stupid as it may be and as much as I wish it weren’t true, I still love you and, unfortunately, I probably always will.” 
  1. Step Six: Does He feel Anything? 
  1. After your admission, watch for a reaction. Do his shoulders stiffen? Does he look in your direction with tears of his own? Is that why he has stayed silent and looking down this entire time, because his emotions were too big to handle? If he shows any reaction, repeat the following: 
  1. “I’m not sure why you’re crying. You aren’t the one who’s had their heart shattered. You aren’t the one who now has to reevaluate their entire life. You’ve just gotten *insert promotion or other positive here*, you have a new girlfriend and you’re moving in together. What do you have to be sad about? It can’t be losing me. It can’t be losing everything we had. No, because if that were it you wouldn’t have done this.” 
  1. Step Seven: Take a Break 
  1. Go into a separate room, maybe the bathroom attached to your bedroom, and shut the door. Lock it. Take a moment to stare at your red and puffy reflection in the mirror. Grip the sink and hang your head. Stay there for as long as you need. Take a deep breath. Flush the toilet even though you didn’t use it. We don’t want him to know that. Splash some cold water on your face and pat it dry with a hand towel. Face the bathroom door and take a breath.  
  1. Step Eight: One Last Goodbye 
  1. Open the door and hit a wall of solid chest. Feel the arms that were once so familiar and comforting wrap around you. Accept it. Allow yourself to heave the racking sobs you’ve been holding back for so long. Soak his shirt. Don’t look at him, keep your eyes trained on the floor. Remain silent, you’ve said all that can be said.  
  1. Step Nine: Moving On 
  1. You are close to his family, so it makes sense to confide in them. Explain what happened and explain that you can’t stay in their house, in that room any longer despite your love for them. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Go out to lunch with your best girlfriends and talk all the trash you want, get it out of your system.  
  1. Move back in with your parents, it’s not ideal but until you get back on your feet you need all the help you can get right now, and they’ll support you. There are a lot of big life changes happening right now so don’t feel ashamed about seeking help. A therapist can help process all of those emotions you’re feeling. Eventually the thoughts of him will become less frequent and you’ll be able to feel happy again…and even find love again.  

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