Jen Steward

Should my hands be shaking?

Is it stress, or am I overthinking?

Honestly, it’s probably both.

It’s hard to stop.

I’m told not to stress about the future.

But I’m also told to have a game plan.

It’s fine to take an extra semester.

But it’s the only shot I have left.

Failure in this case is not an option.

I’m aware my actions have consequences.

I don’t like to dwell on it too much.

I want things to stop for a moment.

I want time, time to figure myself out.

Part of me wants to help, but

the other part has given up.

It’s a battle you can’t win.

Medication and therapy are necessary

To make sure I’m somewhat sane

However, medication can only do so much

And therapy requires participation.

The amount of times I have been lectured

About my inability to not put in effort

Is a lot more than I would like to admit.

I hate disappointing people

I don’t have time to make any more mistakes

Which is terrifying and unnerving.

After failing my fourth class,

I knew I was screwed.

People only want to help, I see that.

My brain has repressed so much,

That I have no idea where to even start.

I try to numb it all, push it away.

It’s worked for a long time,

but now I need to face them.

Easier said than done,

But it needs to happen.

It’s just I don’t even know where to start.